So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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