she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
