If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
