just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
