now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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