my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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