My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
