I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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