Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
