I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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