What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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