The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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