I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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