I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
