my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
