I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
