oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
