Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
