I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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