I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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