the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
