My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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