I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
