I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
