take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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