When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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