umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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