He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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