I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
