I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
