She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
