listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I am available for nakedness
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