I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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