My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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