u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
