Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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