i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
