i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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