from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
