It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
