dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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