i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
