I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize