I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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