Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
be right there i have to get my cape
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
