Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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