I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm sobbing to NWA
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
