I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
