dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
