Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
