and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
