youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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