I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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