when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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